My Emotional Rock Bottom

When I was 12, my mom took me to the doctor as I had a really high fever for over a few days. I’ll never forget what that doctor said to me that day:

“There can’t be anything wrong with her – look how happy she is!”

My mom knew better and was a force to recon with. She pushed to have xrays done and sure enough, I had double pneumonia.

What does this story mean?

To me, it’s a couple things. One – my mom is an ally and advocate like none other. She knows when something is wrong and sometimes, it’s before even I do. Second – those words from the doctor mean so much more than that situation itself.

From Facebook posts, to relationships, to my job – no matter what was raging on inside, I tried to be overly positive and to put on a happy face. Even when things crashed from time to time, rather than dealing with stuff, my goal was to get to that “happy place” again.

Given many life changing events in my life, I don’t think I ever plunged to a rock bottom moment emotionally. I came close, but I would micromanage the shit out of what I was feeling and convince myself that I had changed.   Our minds are powerful that way – masters of rationalization to mold and sculpt moments more seductively than any Ghost clay scene could ever conjure up.

I look back and see where I stumbled. High on hope, and temporary moments of routine change, I would simply self-congratulate and proclaim insight and growth.  Queue Facebook as a means to show how much I’ve grown and changed! Hey world – I can try to be a beacon of positivity! Hey everyone – let me tell you all the concepts I believe in but struggle repeatedly at doing.

Behind the scenes, for the past year, it was a different story. The more I started to pushing aside the mask, and digging down, the more I saw my demons face to face. My mind became a fierce battleground where the Rationalization Master vs Reality Master of my head would duel it out to see who would be the one to respond.  The foe would be different and sometimes all at once. Guilt. Reactive. Anger.  Low self worth.

Somehow, I thought as I would choose to dig more and more, it would be easier. I thought that knowledge would bestow upon me the strength to win those battles.  However, almost 40 years of behaviours have a survivalist instinct of their own. In moments of exhaustion, I have seen regression in areas that I had thought I progressed so far.

Then, I hit my rock bottom.

Not Oscar worthy. Not filled with some John Williams score to make it seem all that more impactful.

It was dark. Quiet. In a bathroom tub. Staring at a door.

I sobbed softly. I was tired. I was exhausted.  I finally understood the gravity of where I was at that moment. I realized how much power I had to rise from the darkness and turn on the light.

But realization is just the beginning. I have had so many of these moments in my past where I have praised the epiphany without doing the labour to get to that point. If you want to make change, it’s a day at a time, a habit at a time. Proclaiming the desire to change is only first step. Change happens when intent is met with action. Making each decision count.

It was time to let go……

Let go of trying to solve feelings, start letting them have their moment .

Let go of defending having boundaries, start defining them.

Let go of fearing acceptance from others, start accepting myself.

Let go of taking on the emotional labour of others, start empowering.

Let go of thinking I can do everything, start asking for help.

Let go of the guilt of letting go, start letting in peace.

When I let go, it means I’m letting in the opportunity to let that which truly matters and enriches my soul, to come in. It is the permission to stop tying myself into the actions, decisions, of others and tell myself “Hey there – I’m listening.”

So many times before I thought I was listening but I wasn’t. I was looking for a way to convince myself otherwise. When you don’t deal with those demons, they will seep out. They are wild.

I can’t do this alone. As fiercely independent as I am, I know that I will need help.

One step at a time. On this journey, there isn’t some far off destination or completion date that I am looking towards. This time, it’s about making that next step. The destination is the next min, the next hour, the next day. And when I fall, I will crawl.

I must keep moving.

Hierarchial Relating – Not Just a Poly Thing

Couple Privilege. Primary/Secondary/Central/Nesting. Hierarchial polyamory.  No doubt if you have spend some time in the non-monogamous realm you have heard of these concepts and granted, there is a fair share of literature out there that discuss these in detail. However, doesn’t matter whether you or not you hail from Team Solo, Team Dyad, or Team More Than That – ranking relationships is a common practice.

Everywhere you turn, human relationships are categorized, boxed, labelled, and many times ranked. Why does a person’s importance in our life have to be based on what role we have deemed them in our existence? Their value in the world is no more or less than our own.

With that in mind , why not instead prioritize needs vs prioritizing people?

One way to illustrate this is the case of having multiple children.

The youngest child needs your assistance with helping them get somewhere for an activity while the older one pleads with you you to continue to playing video games with them.

The older one has been in your life longer so does that mean their requests mean more?

Absolutely not. This is a matter of what is required at the time based on needs and knowing full well, that if the situation was reversed, the same decision would apply.

When something comes up that needs your attention, express the urgency of the situation “Amy is having a bad day and I would like to support her ” vs “Amy is my best friend, so I would do anything for her”.

Remember – everyone is worthy of love and support, not the category they have been placed in.They are worthy of respect  not because of how long we have known them, or the contributions they have made to our lives, but rather just on the simple notion that they are valued individuals on their own.

 

 

 

 

Your Poly? Or Your Poly Right Now?

If there is one common saying in the poly community, I would think “My poly isn’t your poly” or some other iteration, takes the cake. While there is merit to say that we all connect to other people in different ways, saying “That’s my poly” in response to unhealthy behavior is dangerous in many ways.

Let’s face it – your poly is in all actuality – is your poly right now. Just because you are sure that this is the “type” of poly that you are happy in , does not mean that would never change. Expect it to change. Expect things to evolve because in many cases, we did not start out relating to others in the way we are now. Slim pickings on those who were poly since day one.

The key parts of ethical non-monogamy is everyone connecting with each other based on consent and full disclosure of all who are involved. Basic , right? But after that it’s tricky.

For example, a couple may wish to date as a couple to find another partner that they both date. They start dating someone and that person agrees to date them both. What happens when that person decides that they don’t develop a romantic connection with one of them? “Sorry, that’s our poly and you were warned up front. We are a packaged deal.” Instead of engaging in dialogue, listening with respect, and consider possibilities of different arrangements that all parties can feel that their needs are met, it is chalked up to the easier “That’s our poly.”

Same goes rule imposing. It is much easier to slap a rule on something rather than take the time to talk, push some boundaries, and perhaps dig deeper on way there is a desire for that rule in the first place.

If our sexual orientation can be fluid, why can’t our relationship orientation?

Conscious Uncoupling: How We Said Goodbye. ~ Michelle Mann

Thanks STOYAM!!!

What I Learned During Transitioning Relationships

In the matter of just a month, I went into transition mode with 2 relationships at roughly the same time. And right on target , Kimchi puts out some cartoon that seems to showcase how I approach relationships coming to an evolution.

1. Relationships aren’t failures if they don’t last – With all the pressure of finding the “One” that will satisfy all needs, and that will love and last forever, no wonder we feel frustrated and angry when the ones we had such hopes on don’t go the distance. In reality, most of the relationships that happen in our lives –be it romantic or otherwise – won’t last forever. That’s because relationships have a natural life span that we cannot anticipate or determine from the beginning. Some last long, some very short – but letting go of the notion that they are failures unless they last is a big first step. The next step….
2. Keep what works , let go of what doesn’t – With that in mind, relationships essentially don’t have to end if there is something there that still works. Why throw away everything because a portion of something isn’t working? Instead, transition the relationship into something that fits into what is positive, and let go with the love the things that aren’t meeting the needs of everyone involved.
3. Own Your Shit – That will always help relationships have the potential of enduring in whatever capacity. Whatever choices you make – action or reaction – own that shit. Resentment will only be toxic and could lead to “whatever works” stuff to be drowned out.
4. Take your time to talk – Oh I’m so bad for this. I get caught up in the moment and spout some indecipherable stuff sometimes that I even get lost. That’s why I adore writing. Gives me the time to process as I communicate.
5. Take Time for YOU: When you lose touch with yourself, how good will you be to others? Do you know who you are or is it defined with who you are with another person? There is not “better half” – we are already wonderful whole. Whether you are alone or in a relationship (or more than one), don’t forget the most wonderful relationship of all. YOU.
6. Control what you can – this one is key. We cannot control the actions, choices, decisions of others. Getting caught up in that which is not by our hand will only make you mad. Understand what you need, understand how to meet those needs, and make the choices that support that.

This is what I learned on my journey so far…keep what works, discard the rest 😉

How Coming Out As Polyamorous Has Changed My Life – The Challenge(s)

Many of the challenges faced when coming out as polyamorous are significant enough for many to keep their relationship orientation under wraps. In some cases, fears of losing a job, the kids, and the support of family members are very real.  In my last blog post, I touched a bit on some of the surprising outcomes that I had not quite anticipated during the process. Stating that it was “Good Stuff” might have been a stretch – it was more that it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought and actually, there were some really awesome outcomes.

This time – it’s about the challenges I have faced during this journey. I tried to come up with a list but , honestly, the only challenge I could think of just in the aspect of coming out polyamorous, was strained family/friend relationships.

I have watched some of my relationships with some family and friends become distant and some have disengaged entirely. While this has generated some sadness, it’s important to empathize that everyone has their own boundaries and our accountability is to our own actions , not the reactions of others.

It’s an unusual position to be in – happy to be living an authentic life but at the same time, almost grieving a time in life when some people in your life seemed the most happiest when they were around you.

So instead of an article of challenges, I raise my glass to just this one. To all those who have chosen to walk on a path a little farther way from mine – you still shine bright in my heart.

How Coming Out as Polyamorous Changed My Life – Part 1 (The Good Stuff)

Polyamory is not a relational Utopia of blissfully happy people skipping around with unicorns (shush) , rainbows, and butterflies in some trippy Willy Wonka looking candy land.

(The only resemblance is the colourful Google shared calendar entries. )

Instead, it’s navigating boundaries and processing , processing , processing. And more processing. And talking. And more talking. And scheduling time for talks. Then process some more.

Ain’t it grand??!

Hell ya. Oh yes – I jest at all the funny nuances of being in a multi-relational structure, but honestly, it is a journey that has been an adventure.

It has been 2 years since I have been out to all my family and friends as polyamorous and here’s what I have learned during the process (Damn, there’s that word again! Can’t escape it! ).

Let’s start with the good stuff….

The Realization of Indifference

It’s amazing sometimes how we believe much more people give a shit about how we conduct our daily life.  Coming out as poly was on the most part anti-climatic and most people were relatively indifferent. The upside, is that there are people who will come forward and commend you. The downside, is that there are people who shun you.

What’s the good stuff of realizing this? Humbling.

Nothing to Fear about Awkwardness

I live in a country where I won’t lose my life for being polyamorous. I won’t lose my kids for being polyamorous. So a part from that – what is the true fear?

Being disowned? Conditional love for loving unconditionally. Hmmm…well, that would only solidify where you stand with someone else. Knowing my closest friends and family would never disown me for it, it only left awkwardness and the air of uncomfortable feelings.

Yes, there are plenty of those in conversations when you first come out to loved ones but don’t let it stand in the way of being YOU.  The imagination of what people might do/think/say was far greater than what really panned out so I found myself no longer fearing awkward moments.

You Never Know Who You Will Inspire

This, was something, rather unexpected. My objective was just to stop living a lie and to be open about who I was. What I didn’t see coming, were the messages of people that I have known for many years coming forward to tell me their stories.  The power of authenticity is so incredibly underestimated until you find come face to face with the result of it – the power to inspire others, and help others to feel a little less alone.  THIS has made it worth it 10x over.

Be a Part of Change

Taboos, ignorance, and misunderstanding will only change by those who willing to risk it to make it happen.

You Only Get One Shot

Unless you are Buddhist then there are a few more tries at it, but essentially, one life is all you got. No mulligans.

You are your own best friend, lover and soulmate

We don’t need to be a bunch of halves walking around one dimensionally waiting for some Jerry Maguire complete-me moment. You are wonderfully whole. Be your own best friend. Be your own lover, Be your own soulmate. Only once you are whole, can you then love whole and love in a way that inspires you.

Once I had nothing to hide, there was nothing about myself to be ashamed of. I felt whole.

Coming Up!

What goes up, must come down ….Part 2 (The Tough Stuff)

Special Me

A few months ago, my son came home with a project called “Special Me”. He was to draw pictures of things that matter to him , his hobbies, his family and so on. I recall the saying that if everyone is special – then no one is. I don’t buy into that at all. No matter how many similar drawings came out of that classroom, not one would be the same.   They were all special, different, unique.

Biologically – we truly are different. Each of us is a unique array of cells that isn’t exactly placed together in the exact same way anywhere else. We may be similar, but we are not the same.

Therefore, it seems counterintuitive to our makeup to try to force ourselves in square holes when we are born to be round. Why is there so much importance to be like everyone else when we were born to shine – and by shining, it doesn’t mean we are special because we shine brighter than everyone else, but rather we had our unique light to the world. Along with everyone else.

What gets in the way of being our authentic selves? Fear , mostly.

Fear that our authentic self will not be accepted, loved, and supported. Fear of those who may harm us for being something they are not. Fear that it will unravel relationships and we will be abandoned.

Closets aren’t reserved for our sexuality, relationship styles or gender identification. They are the places we go to keep our authentic selves tucked away. Protected from the judging glares outside.

Anyone may have a story. Someone who wanted to be a writer but was afraid to disappoint the family. Someone who held close to their heart a God who was not of their parent’s belief. Someone who believed that love can be all around but are chastised for not doing so in a specific way. Someone who connects with another person, not a specific gender and is afraid of being disowned.

Let’s call those closets for what they are – prison cells. In our minds, we are punishing ourselves for not coinciding with the “similar” rather than celebrating the “special”.

Outside of those prison cells, we cannot see the real risk, the real threat to our authentic selves and we imagine the dragon that awaits us. We have heard the roar and believe that the animal is ready to eat us alive should we dare step out.

In the darkness, it is our minds that build the menace and put it on a pedestal. Then it is our painting of what stands outside that is what is feared , rather than the animal that really does await.

So what happens…when we let ourselves free? When we open the door?

We see what truly stands before us and living our authentic life. It very well can be dragon we imagined. But we are no more protected with that door open then with it closed. It could have still squashed us where we hid.

Now, the animal that stands in our way is known. Our eyes are open, and we see it for what it truly is. And when you see your authentic self on the other side, waiting to embrace, then you want to fight to get there.

When that door opens, we have also taken the chance that the animal just does not exist. That it was only our fear that blocked the path. Even if the path had some rocks along it, it may have it’s stinging moments but the only one stopping you is you.

So shine bright. Not everyone will love your colours, but those who shine with you, will glow with you.

The Kids are Alright

Since late 2013, I have been 100% open about the fact that I do not subscribe the heteronormative/monogamist narrative that is prevalent in mainstream North American society. I love living an authentic life. It’s no better, no worse than any other way to connect to any other human being – it’s just the way that I live.

Being out there about a less known way of connecting lends itself to both compliment and criticism. One area above others is the topic of children. I wrote a guest blog post for a good friend of mine about the usual criticisms that are heard most often when one is in a poly family. Now that I’m kick starting my own blog, I wanted to expand on that.

Norms vs Needs

Our gender, sexual orientation, relationship orientation does not guarantee a stellar parent.

What does?

Giving the opportunity for our children to have their needs met. Let’s face it – our journey in life is largely dictated whether we are meeting our basic human needs. When we arm our children with the tools necessary to meet those needs and provide a support and loving environment, then I’d say Parenting Expert Level Achieved!

How other people walk in their path of life, or whatever is seen as the “norm” is not essential to our kids’ lives.   In their lifetime, maybe the new “norm” will be acceptance of differences. One can hope…

Their Confusion or Adult Confusion?

As parents, we are our children’s advocate and it’s needed. As they are developing the skills to navigate life with communication, we help be their voice. Sometimes, though, we speak for them instead of with them.

As an openly poly parent, there are have been some that feel that my guys will be confused by the relationships around them. The question I need to ask is – who is really confused?

My guys are surrounded by different dynamics all the time. At school, they are surrounded by different cultures, religions, ages, races, etc.

They have many sets of grandparents due to divorce/re-marrying.

They are exposed to different types of adults whom their parents interact with. There are no labels. Friends, lovers, and those in between, show nothing but awesome care and love for them.

Confusion lies in the unknown, uncommunicated, unresolved – exposure to difference is not the culprit. If there are questions, give answers and foster discussion. Let your children really talk to you. Listen. You’d be surprised at what they understand and it opens up the door for them to show you what they are really thinking.

It is also by their actions that you really know what they understand.

When A was in Kindergarten, he opened up dialogue with me about a girl he liked at school. His best friend liked her too so he felt torn. We talked about our family dynamic and how you don’t have to “choose” people. The next day, he came home so proud – he talked to the girl and asked her if she would consider liking both him and his friend which she thought was a great idea!

“I’m so happy mom because now we are all great friends.”

This mom proceeded directly to the happy tears.

People Coming In and Out of Lives

If you look back at your life, how many of you are still friends with EVERY single person you were friends with since the dawn of you friendship making days?

People come in and out of our lives, and sometimes back again. That’s a reality of life.

I can’t speak for my other partners, but for myself, my viewpoint of relationships with other people is simple – respect and enjoy everything that the person brings to my life in whatever form it was meant to be as well as for whatever length of time it is to be. Realize that relationships are not failures if they transition to something other than what they started out as.

I think the kids have taken on that same approach. They engage with others that are in our lives as individuals, rather than what dynamic they are in with their parents at the time. They value others as only unique people.

I was dating someone last year that first started out as friends, then moved to something more romantic. He was really awesome with the kids and they had so much fun with him. Our relationship transitioned to friendship again mid last year. I had not seen him for almost a year until recently. We saw each other at an event and there was lots of hugs and caught up on life. He said when the boys were a bit older , he would love to take them out paintballing.   Brings a smile. There was no resentment or anger that we went our separate ways but rather an appreciation for a transitioned friendship. I feel blessed about the positive impact connections have made to not only my life, but to the life of my little guys.

We cannot avoid how relationships – be it romantic or otherwise – evolve. It is how we approach that evolution that lays the groundwork for healthy relationships for our children.

Coming Up Next: Opening up to our Children

In the next episode, this poly mom gives advice about trusting our kids with being our authentic selves.

Till next time – live freely, love openly, and laugh always.

M