My Emotional Rock Bottom

When I was 12, my mom took me to the doctor as I had a really high fever for over a few days. I’ll never forget what that doctor said to me that day:

“There can’t be anything wrong with her – look how happy she is!”

My mom knew better and was a force to recon with. She pushed to have xrays done and sure enough, I had double pneumonia.

What does this story mean?

To me, it’s a couple things. One – my mom is an ally and advocate like none other. She knows when something is wrong and sometimes, it’s before even I do. Second – those words from the doctor mean so much more than that situation itself.

From Facebook posts, to relationships, to my job – no matter what was raging on inside, I tried to be overly positive and to put on a happy face. Even when things crashed from time to time, rather than dealing with stuff, my goal was to get to that “happy place” again.

Given many life changing events in my life, I don’t think I ever plunged to a rock bottom moment emotionally. I came close, but I would micromanage the shit out of what I was feeling and convince myself that I had changed.   Our minds are powerful that way – masters of rationalization to mold and sculpt moments more seductively than any Ghost clay scene could ever conjure up.

I look back and see where I stumbled. High on hope, and temporary moments of routine change, I would simply self-congratulate and proclaim insight and growth.  Queue Facebook as a means to show how much I’ve grown and changed! Hey world – I can try to be a beacon of positivity! Hey everyone – let me tell you all the concepts I believe in but struggle repeatedly at doing.

Behind the scenes, for the past year, it was a different story. The more I started to pushing aside the mask, and digging down, the more I saw my demons face to face. My mind became a fierce battleground where the Rationalization Master vs Reality Master of my head would duel it out to see who would be the one to respond.  The foe would be different and sometimes all at once. Guilt. Reactive. Anger.  Low self worth.

Somehow, I thought as I would choose to dig more and more, it would be easier. I thought that knowledge would bestow upon me the strength to win those battles.  However, almost 40 years of behaviours have a survivalist instinct of their own. In moments of exhaustion, I have seen regression in areas that I had thought I progressed so far.

Then, I hit my rock bottom.

Not Oscar worthy. Not filled with some John Williams score to make it seem all that more impactful.

It was dark. Quiet. In a bathroom tub. Staring at a door.

I sobbed softly. I was tired. I was exhausted.  I finally understood the gravity of where I was at that moment. I realized how much power I had to rise from the darkness and turn on the light.

But realization is just the beginning. I have had so many of these moments in my past where I have praised the epiphany without doing the labour to get to that point. If you want to make change, it’s a day at a time, a habit at a time. Proclaiming the desire to change is only first step. Change happens when intent is met with action. Making each decision count.

It was time to let go……

Let go of trying to solve feelings, start letting them have their moment .

Let go of defending having boundaries, start defining them.

Let go of fearing acceptance from others, start accepting myself.

Let go of taking on the emotional labour of others, start empowering.

Let go of thinking I can do everything, start asking for help.

Let go of the guilt of letting go, start letting in peace.

When I let go, it means I’m letting in the opportunity to let that which truly matters and enriches my soul, to come in. It is the permission to stop tying myself into the actions, decisions, of others and tell myself “Hey there – I’m listening.”

So many times before I thought I was listening but I wasn’t. I was looking for a way to convince myself otherwise. When you don’t deal with those demons, they will seep out. They are wild.

I can’t do this alone. As fiercely independent as I am, I know that I will need help.

One step at a time. On this journey, there isn’t some far off destination or completion date that I am looking towards. This time, it’s about making that next step. The destination is the next min, the next hour, the next day. And when I fall, I will crawl.

I must keep moving.

Consensual Communication

All along the relationship style spectrum, the concept of open communication is highly regarded as one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No doubt whether you walk the dyadic path or poly path – this mantra is everywhere.

Where things get fuzzy isn’t necessarily surrounding the action of communication but rather what we communicate.  Statements like “I tell my best friend/family member/spouse everything” or “I have nothing to hide” may have the intention of coming across that you are an open book, but also sends a slightly different message. That you may not be someone to confide in with something personal if it means you will share freely with others, even your significant other(s).

When we communicate with others, we must realize that quantity doesn’t necessarily mean quality. Sometimes more , is just more. Quality communication goes hand in hand with healthy boundaries as well. Understanding what you are willing to share with others, determining situations to share, and communicating those boundaries clearly.

While it is really common to point to couple privilege as a point in which too much information can be shared, it goes beyond those borders. Such as:

• Going out with your best friend and coming home and telling your wife/husband everything
• Family members telling other family members private details about other family members
• A sweetie confiding personal information to someone, which is then shared to another partner
• A work colleague sharing confidential information which is then shared with other work colleagues

How to Practice Consensual Communication

1. Don’t assume consent: While there is somewhat of an understood notion that sharing anything with others comes with a risk, that is not an automatic consent. If someone didn’t explicitly say it was OK to share something confidential with another person, then consent has not been given. Not sure? Ask. Assuming that they will tell you if it’s not supposed to go past the 2 of you won’t excuse the choice to tell.
2. Establish communication boundaries: This is important not only for those doing the disclosing, but also those on the receiving end. Determine what is acceptable for others to share with you as well as what you are willing to share. Include items that need to be communicated to you ie: for safe sex, knowing testing history, etc.
3. Take Time to Think: Get in the habit of asking yourself everything to you are about to tell someone:

   Did I receive consent to share this information?
   How does this directly involve or affect the person I would disclose to?
   Am I looking to share just for conversational purposes?
   How would I feel if I had something similar shared?
   

4. Privacy does not equal secrecy: Each person has a right to their own privacy. Their thoughts and feelings are part of the beauty that makes us autonomous human beings. Secrecy has an intention of deception where privacy is preservation of the autonomous self.

By practicing consensual communication, we gain the trust and respect from others whilst also being true to our healthy boundaries. You may believe yourself to be an “open book” , but that does not give you the right to include other people’s books to your readers without permission.

 

 

 

Hierarchial Relating – Not Just a Poly Thing

Couple Privilege. Primary/Secondary/Central/Nesting. Hierarchial polyamory.  No doubt if you have spend some time in the non-monogamous realm you have heard of these concepts and granted, there is a fair share of literature out there that discuss these in detail. However, doesn’t matter whether you or not you hail from Team Solo, Team Dyad, or Team More Than That – ranking relationships is a common practice.

Everywhere you turn, human relationships are categorized, boxed, labelled, and many times ranked. Why does a person’s importance in our life have to be based on what role we have deemed them in our existence? Their value in the world is no more or less than our own.

With that in mind , why not instead prioritize needs vs prioritizing people?

One way to illustrate this is the case of having multiple children.

The youngest child needs your assistance with helping them get somewhere for an activity while the older one pleads with you you to continue to playing video games with them.

The older one has been in your life longer so does that mean their requests mean more?

Absolutely not. This is a matter of what is required at the time based on needs and knowing full well, that if the situation was reversed, the same decision would apply.

When something comes up that needs your attention, express the urgency of the situation “Amy is having a bad day and I would like to support her ” vs “Amy is my best friend, so I would do anything for her”.

Remember – everyone is worthy of love and support, not the category they have been placed in.They are worthy of respect  not because of how long we have known them, or the contributions they have made to our lives, but rather just on the simple notion that they are valued individuals on their own.

 

 

 

 

Everyday Compersion

Even if you aren’t hailing from the polyamorous crowd, the word compersion is becoming more well known. Just in case you didn’t get the memo on this nifty concept, its most common usage is in the non-monogamous community when referring to the giddy feelin when your partner is getting the warm fuzzies from someone else. Be it that they went on a date, or knee deep in NRE (another fun term – New Relationship Energy), or just are in a happy state and the reason for it is beyond yourself. Some refer to it as the flip side of jealousy.

Rather than see it as the opposite of something, I’d like to call it out for what it really is.

Empathy.

When we see it as coupled with empathy,  compersion takes a more deeper, multi-dimensional place in how we connect to everyone.  The more we empathize with others and invite that understanding inside, compersion is how we respond. Empathy is bringing in, compersion is giving back.

I recall hearing the story of someone who had so many emotions going through her head when her husband was going on a very successful date. She felt all the spectrum of emotions, as well as empathy. She brought in his happiness into her, and she felt it. She also was processing feelings of anxiety and nervousness. The compersion part of it – was the support she gave to him. The space, the ear to listen, the love. That’s what compersion is all about – not the absence of jealousy, but the safe space for empathy to blossom with our actions.

As a human family, we all can benefit from compersion and empathy by practicing it everyday.  Take a moment to try it. Sense the state of being of others (empathy) and respond kindly (compersion).

Feel the happiness of others, and embrace it with support.

Understand the sadness of others, and offer to listen.

Appreciate the successes of others, and commend them.

Sense the challenges of others, and encourage them.

Give it a try.

 

 

Your Poly? Or Your Poly Right Now?

If there is one common saying in the poly community, I would think “My poly isn’t your poly” or some other iteration, takes the cake. While there is merit to say that we all connect to other people in different ways, saying “That’s my poly” in response to unhealthy behavior is dangerous in many ways.

Let’s face it – your poly is in all actuality – is your poly right now. Just because you are sure that this is the “type” of poly that you are happy in , does not mean that would never change. Expect it to change. Expect things to evolve because in many cases, we did not start out relating to others in the way we are now. Slim pickings on those who were poly since day one.

The key parts of ethical non-monogamy is everyone connecting with each other based on consent and full disclosure of all who are involved. Basic , right? But after that it’s tricky.

For example, a couple may wish to date as a couple to find another partner that they both date. They start dating someone and that person agrees to date them both. What happens when that person decides that they don’t develop a romantic connection with one of them? “Sorry, that’s our poly and you were warned up front. We are a packaged deal.” Instead of engaging in dialogue, listening with respect, and consider possibilities of different arrangements that all parties can feel that their needs are met, it is chalked up to the easier “That’s our poly.”

Same goes rule imposing. It is much easier to slap a rule on something rather than take the time to talk, push some boundaries, and perhaps dig deeper on way there is a desire for that rule in the first place.

If our sexual orientation can be fluid, why can’t our relationship orientation?

Conscious Uncoupling: How We Said Goodbye. ~ Michelle Mann

Thanks STOYAM!!!

Conscious Uncoupling – How We Said Goodbye

It’s date night – it is a mad scramble now to find a sitter last minute. Thankfully , a good friend offers to have the boys over while we go out to dinner.

I dress up a bright, summer dress as the nights are still hanging onto Summer’s power. Chef does the same and when he walks by, I can smell the cologne he put on. Makes me smile.

We say our goodbyes to the little men and hurried off. The car ride was filled with talk about food – we were in dire need of beers and grub.

We were off to the restaurant that Chef works at and were greeted with smiles from the usuals. It was a packed night on the patio so we opted for a seat inside. We each went with a burger – I went all out and thought bacon and cheddar would be a tasty one. I’m sure my gut would hate me later.

When the beers came, we made our cheers to the selfie, for this wasn’t just any date night – it was our uncoupling date night.

We have been here before but there is something about this time that has a real sense of finality to it, and rather than ending our story with a semi-colon, we were choosing to end it with a period. However, whatever the reason one story ends, it is a far better testament to people on how they write the next sentence.

This is ours.

We shared stories, laughs, smiles about the past 8 years. As the dinner winded down, the talk shifted to the future. Almost , in a sense, an exit interview. What did we learn. What do we want to commit to going forward. Most importantly – how we were going to continue to be a team of kickass parents to our boys.

What was missing tonight was the hurt. Over the past few months, we did that dance. Cried the tears, said things out of anger, and made our mistakes. Tonight was about acceptance. We were able to enjoy each other’s company as the people we are genuinely are rather than the friction of our circumstances. Tonight was a celebration of what did do right and what we can do right.

Even after the kids went to bed, we stayed up for a while longer talking about all things in life. It made me think of the “Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye” song , which although is more about having one last romp before saying goodbye, was applicable to tonight more as a night of just being us. As one of the lines goes “Who we were, just didn’t work/but let’s make something good from all this hurt”. We weren’t going through the motions of the song and having sex, but rather the spirit of it. One last “date” night were we can just talk together.

That’s what we did. Put the hurt aside, and the sadness and just let ourselves be ourselves. We watched the video together , and as the song went on, some tears rolled down my face. For even the one who chooses to let go, grieves too.

In that moment, he held me tight and that reminded me why he will always be my best friend. I will always love him. It was out of that love that I needed to let go because I wanted us to still have this. Respect , caring and tenderness. Conscious uncoupling. Through the pain of saying goodbye, I smiled at our possibilities and at seeing our authentic selves shine.

While the romantic partnership had reached its sunset, we were dawning on a new path. We were making something that would work. Still living together as a family as to not uproot the boys and having a safe space for all of us to be. It may not always have all 4 of us here, but it will always be homebase.

We may have transitioned our relationship, but we are still 2 people committed to always being there for our sweet littles ones, and who still love and care for each in their own way.

As the night wore on, we shifted to more fun. He showed me how Tinder works and we got a laugh out of the whole dating dance. While I have little interest in doing that dance right now, it was fun to hear his stories about his first conversations and meetings. Compersion. I like seeing him happy and being himself.

In the end, we sat there and just rested in the moment. It was simple, quiet. This was our way to say goodbye to what we were and greeted what we will be. No doubt we will stumble, but heads, and hurt again as we figure our way around but in this moment of acceptance, we let go. We let go in the only way we know – with love.

I hugged my best friend, thanked him for tonight and we walked to our separate rooms. It was an unintended analogy of what our life had now become. Together as friends, separate as lovers.  I drifted off to sleep, with a smile. For I knew, for Chef and I – we would be OK.

What I Learned During Transitioning Relationships

In the matter of just a month, I went into transition mode with 2 relationships at roughly the same time. And right on target , Kimchi puts out some cartoon that seems to showcase how I approach relationships coming to an evolution.

1. Relationships aren’t failures if they don’t last – With all the pressure of finding the “One” that will satisfy all needs, and that will love and last forever, no wonder we feel frustrated and angry when the ones we had such hopes on don’t go the distance. In reality, most of the relationships that happen in our lives –be it romantic or otherwise – won’t last forever. That’s because relationships have a natural life span that we cannot anticipate or determine from the beginning. Some last long, some very short – but letting go of the notion that they are failures unless they last is a big first step. The next step….
2. Keep what works , let go of what doesn’t – With that in mind, relationships essentially don’t have to end if there is something there that still works. Why throw away everything because a portion of something isn’t working? Instead, transition the relationship into something that fits into what is positive, and let go with the love the things that aren’t meeting the needs of everyone involved.
3. Own Your Shit – That will always help relationships have the potential of enduring in whatever capacity. Whatever choices you make – action or reaction – own that shit. Resentment will only be toxic and could lead to “whatever works” stuff to be drowned out.
4. Take your time to talk – Oh I’m so bad for this. I get caught up in the moment and spout some indecipherable stuff sometimes that I even get lost. That’s why I adore writing. Gives me the time to process as I communicate.
5. Take Time for YOU: When you lose touch with yourself, how good will you be to others? Do you know who you are or is it defined with who you are with another person? There is not “better half” – we are already wonderful whole. Whether you are alone or in a relationship (or more than one), don’t forget the most wonderful relationship of all. YOU.
6. Control what you can – this one is key. We cannot control the actions, choices, decisions of others. Getting caught up in that which is not by our hand will only make you mad. Understand what you need, understand how to meet those needs, and make the choices that support that.

This is what I learned on my journey so far…keep what works, discard the rest 😉

How Coming Out As Polyamorous Has Changed My Life – The Challenge(s)

Many of the challenges faced when coming out as polyamorous are significant enough for many to keep their relationship orientation under wraps. In some cases, fears of losing a job, the kids, and the support of family members are very real.  In my last blog post, I touched a bit on some of the surprising outcomes that I had not quite anticipated during the process. Stating that it was “Good Stuff” might have been a stretch – it was more that it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought and actually, there were some really awesome outcomes.

This time – it’s about the challenges I have faced during this journey. I tried to come up with a list but , honestly, the only challenge I could think of just in the aspect of coming out polyamorous, was strained family/friend relationships.

I have watched some of my relationships with some family and friends become distant and some have disengaged entirely. While this has generated some sadness, it’s important to empathize that everyone has their own boundaries and our accountability is to our own actions , not the reactions of others.

It’s an unusual position to be in – happy to be living an authentic life but at the same time, almost grieving a time in life when some people in your life seemed the most happiest when they were around you.

So instead of an article of challenges, I raise my glass to just this one. To all those who have chosen to walk on a path a little farther way from mine – you still shine bright in my heart.

Funny Poly Moment #2244 – “Shirt Envy”