How Coming Out as Polyamorous Changed My Life – Part 1 (The Good Stuff)

Polyamory is not a relational Utopia of blissfully happy people skipping around with unicorns (shush) , rainbows, and butterflies in some trippy Willy Wonka looking candy land.

(The only resemblance is the colourful Google shared calendar entries. )

Instead, it’s navigating boundaries and processing , processing , processing. And more processing. And talking. And more talking. And scheduling time for talks. Then process some more.

Ain’t it grand??!

Hell ya. Oh yes – I jest at all the funny nuances of being in a multi-relational structure, but honestly, it is a journey that has been an adventure.

It has been 2 years since I have been out to all my family and friends as polyamorous and here’s what I have learned during the process (Damn, there’s that word again! Can’t escape it! ).

Let’s start with the good stuff….

The Realization of Indifference

It’s amazing sometimes how we believe much more people give a shit about how we conduct our daily life.  Coming out as poly was on the most part anti-climatic and most people were relatively indifferent. The upside, is that there are people who will come forward and commend you. The downside, is that there are people who shun you.

What’s the good stuff of realizing this? Humbling.

Nothing to Fear about Awkwardness

I live in a country where I won’t lose my life for being polyamorous. I won’t lose my kids for being polyamorous. So a part from that – what is the true fear?

Being disowned? Conditional love for loving unconditionally. Hmmm…well, that would only solidify where you stand with someone else. Knowing my closest friends and family would never disown me for it, it only left awkwardness and the air of uncomfortable feelings.

Yes, there are plenty of those in conversations when you first come out to loved ones but don’t let it stand in the way of being YOU.  The imagination of what people might do/think/say was far greater than what really panned out so I found myself no longer fearing awkward moments.

You Never Know Who You Will Inspire

This, was something, rather unexpected. My objective was just to stop living a lie and to be open about who I was. What I didn’t see coming, were the messages of people that I have known for many years coming forward to tell me their stories.  The power of authenticity is so incredibly underestimated until you find come face to face with the result of it – the power to inspire others, and help others to feel a little less alone.  THIS has made it worth it 10x over.

Be a Part of Change

Taboos, ignorance, and misunderstanding will only change by those who willing to risk it to make it happen.

You Only Get One Shot

Unless you are Buddhist then there are a few more tries at it, but essentially, one life is all you got. No mulligans.

You are your own best friend, lover and soulmate

We don’t need to be a bunch of halves walking around one dimensionally waiting for some Jerry Maguire complete-me moment. You are wonderfully whole. Be your own best friend. Be your own lover, Be your own soulmate. Only once you are whole, can you then love whole and love in a way that inspires you.

Once I had nothing to hide, there was nothing about myself to be ashamed of. I felt whole.

Coming Up!

What goes up, must come down ….Part 2 (The Tough Stuff)

Special Me

A few months ago, my son came home with a project called “Special Me”. He was to draw pictures of things that matter to him , his hobbies, his family and so on. I recall the saying that if everyone is special – then no one is. I don’t buy into that at all. No matter how many similar drawings came out of that classroom, not one would be the same.   They were all special, different, unique.

Biologically – we truly are different. Each of us is a unique array of cells that isn’t exactly placed together in the exact same way anywhere else. We may be similar, but we are not the same.

Therefore, it seems counterintuitive to our makeup to try to force ourselves in square holes when we are born to be round. Why is there so much importance to be like everyone else when we were born to shine – and by shining, it doesn’t mean we are special because we shine brighter than everyone else, but rather we had our unique light to the world. Along with everyone else.

What gets in the way of being our authentic selves? Fear , mostly.

Fear that our authentic self will not be accepted, loved, and supported. Fear of those who may harm us for being something they are not. Fear that it will unravel relationships and we will be abandoned.

Closets aren’t reserved for our sexuality, relationship styles or gender identification. They are the places we go to keep our authentic selves tucked away. Protected from the judging glares outside.

Anyone may have a story. Someone who wanted to be a writer but was afraid to disappoint the family. Someone who held close to their heart a God who was not of their parent’s belief. Someone who believed that love can be all around but are chastised for not doing so in a specific way. Someone who connects with another person, not a specific gender and is afraid of being disowned.

Let’s call those closets for what they are – prison cells. In our minds, we are punishing ourselves for not coinciding with the “similar” rather than celebrating the “special”.

Outside of those prison cells, we cannot see the real risk, the real threat to our authentic selves and we imagine the dragon that awaits us. We have heard the roar and believe that the animal is ready to eat us alive should we dare step out.

In the darkness, it is our minds that build the menace and put it on a pedestal. Then it is our painting of what stands outside that is what is feared , rather than the animal that really does await.

So what happens…when we let ourselves free? When we open the door?

We see what truly stands before us and living our authentic life. It very well can be dragon we imagined. But we are no more protected with that door open then with it closed. It could have still squashed us where we hid.

Now, the animal that stands in our way is known. Our eyes are open, and we see it for what it truly is. And when you see your authentic self on the other side, waiting to embrace, then you want to fight to get there.

When that door opens, we have also taken the chance that the animal just does not exist. That it was only our fear that blocked the path. Even if the path had some rocks along it, it may have it’s stinging moments but the only one stopping you is you.

So shine bright. Not everyone will love your colours, but those who shine with you, will glow with you.