If there is one common saying in the poly community, I would think “My poly isn’t your poly” or some other iteration, takes the cake. While there is merit to say that we all connect to other people in different ways, saying “That’s my poly” in response to unhealthy behavior is dangerous in many ways.
Let’s face it – your poly is in all actuality – is your poly right now. Just because you are sure that this is the “type” of poly that you are happy in , does not mean that would never change. Expect it to change. Expect things to evolve because in many cases, we did not start out relating to others in the way we are now. Slim pickings on those who were poly since day one.
The key parts of ethical non-monogamy is everyone connecting with each other based on consent and full disclosure of all who are involved. Basic , right? But after that it’s tricky.
For example, a couple may wish to date as a couple to find another partner that they both date. They start dating someone and that person agrees to date them both. What happens when that person decides that they don’t develop a romantic connection with one of them? “Sorry, that’s our poly and you were warned up front. We are a packaged deal.” Instead of engaging in dialogue, listening with respect, and consider possibilities of different arrangements that all parties can feel that their needs are met, it is chalked up to the easier “That’s our poly.”
Same goes rule imposing. It is much easier to slap a rule on something rather than take the time to talk, push some boundaries, and perhaps dig deeper on way there is a desire for that rule in the first place.
If our sexual orientation can be fluid, why can’t our relationship orientation?
My So Called Solo Poly Life 