All along the relationship style spectrum, the concept of open communication is highly regarded as one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No doubt whether you walk the dyadic path or poly path – this mantra is everywhere.
Where things get fuzzy isn’t necessarily surrounding the action of communication but rather what we communicate. Statements like “I tell my best friend/family member/spouse everything” or “I have nothing to hide” may have the intention of coming across that you are an open book, but also sends a slightly different message. That you may not be someone to confide in with something personal if it means you will share freely with others, even your significant other(s).
When we communicate with others, we must realize that quantity doesn’t necessarily mean quality. Sometimes more , is just more. Quality communication goes hand in hand with healthy boundaries as well. Understanding what you are willing to share with others, determining situations to share, and communicating those boundaries clearly.
While it is really common to point to couple privilege as a point in which too much information can be shared, it goes beyond those borders. Such as:
- Going out with your best friend and coming home and telling your wife/husband everything
- Family members telling other family members private details about other family members
- A sweetie confiding personal information to someone, which is then shared to another partner
- A work colleague sharing confidential information which is then shared with other work colleagues
How to Practice Consensual Communication
- Don’t assume consent: While there is somewhat of an understood notion that sharing anything with others comes with a risk, that is not an automatic consent. If someone didn’t explicitly say it was OK to share something confidential with another person, then consent has not been given. Not sure? Ask. Assuming that they will tell you if it’s not supposed to go past the 2 of you won’t excuse the choice to tell.
- Establish communication boundaries: This is important not only for those doing the disclosing, but also those on the receiving end. Determine what is acceptable for others to share with you as well as what you are willing to share. Include items that need to be communicated to you ie: for safe sex, knowing testing history, etc.
- Take Time to Think: Get in the habit of asking yourself everything to you are about to tell someone:
Did I receive consent to share this information?
How does this directly involve or affect the person I would disclose to?
Am I looking to share just for conversational purposes?
How would I feel if I had something similar shared?
- Privacy does not equal secrecy: Each person has a right to their own privacy. Their thoughts and feelings are part of the beauty that makes us autonomous human beings. Secrecy has an intention of deception where privacy is preservation of the autonomous self.
By practicing consensual communication, we gain the trust and respect from others whilst also being true to our healthy boundaries. You may believe yourself to be an “open book” , but that does not give you the right to include other people’s books to your readers without permission.
My So Called Solo Poly Life 