Consensual Communication

All along the relationship style spectrum, the concept of open communication is highly regarded as one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No doubt whether you walk the dyadic path or poly path – this mantra is everywhere.

Where things get fuzzy isn’t necessarily surrounding the action of communication but rather what we communicate.  Statements like “I tell my best friend/family member/spouse everything” or “I have nothing to hide” may have the intention of coming across that you are an open book, but also sends a slightly different message. That you may not be someone to confide in with something personal if it means you will share freely with others, even your significant other(s).

When we communicate with others, we must realize that quantity doesn’t necessarily mean quality. Sometimes more , is just more. Quality communication goes hand in hand with healthy boundaries as well. Understanding what you are willing to share with others, determining situations to share, and communicating those boundaries clearly.

While it is really common to point to couple privilege as a point in which too much information can be shared, it goes beyond those borders. Such as:

• Going out with your best friend and coming home and telling your wife/husband everything
• Family members telling other family members private details about other family members
• A sweetie confiding personal information to someone, which is then shared to another partner
• A work colleague sharing confidential information which is then shared with other work colleagues

How to Practice Consensual Communication

1. Don’t assume consent: While there is somewhat of an understood notion that sharing anything with others comes with a risk, that is not an automatic consent. If someone didn’t explicitly say it was OK to share something confidential with another person, then consent has not been given. Not sure? Ask. Assuming that they will tell you if it’s not supposed to go past the 2 of you won’t excuse the choice to tell.
2. Establish communication boundaries: This is important not only for those doing the disclosing, but also those on the receiving end. Determine what is acceptable for others to share with you as well as what you are willing to share. Include items that need to be communicated to you ie: for safe sex, knowing testing history, etc.
3. Take Time to Think: Get in the habit of asking yourself everything to you are about to tell someone:

   Did I receive consent to share this information?
   How does this directly involve or affect the person I would disclose to?
   Am I looking to share just for conversational purposes?
   How would I feel if I had something similar shared?
   

4. Privacy does not equal secrecy: Each person has a right to their own privacy. Their thoughts and feelings are part of the beauty that makes us autonomous human beings. Secrecy has an intention of deception where privacy is preservation of the autonomous self.

By practicing consensual communication, we gain the trust and respect from others whilst also being true to our healthy boundaries. You may believe yourself to be an “open book” , but that does not give you the right to include other people’s books to your readers without permission.

 

 

 

Hierarchial Relating – Not Just a Poly Thing

Couple Privilege. Primary/Secondary/Central/Nesting. Hierarchial polyamory.  No doubt if you have spend some time in the non-monogamous realm you have heard of these concepts and granted, there is a fair share of literature out there that discuss these in detail. However, doesn’t matter whether you or not you hail from Team Solo, Team Dyad, or Team More Than That – ranking relationships is a common practice.

Everywhere you turn, human relationships are categorized, boxed, labelled, and many times ranked. Why does a person’s importance in our life have to be based on what role we have deemed them in our existence? Their value in the world is no more or less than our own.

With that in mind , why not instead prioritize needs vs prioritizing people?

One way to illustrate this is the case of having multiple children.

The youngest child needs your assistance with helping them get somewhere for an activity while the older one pleads with you you to continue to playing video games with them.

The older one has been in your life longer so does that mean their requests mean more?

Absolutely not. This is a matter of what is required at the time based on needs and knowing full well, that if the situation was reversed, the same decision would apply.

When something comes up that needs your attention, express the urgency of the situation “Amy is having a bad day and I would like to support her ” vs “Amy is my best friend, so I would do anything for her”.

Remember – everyone is worthy of love and support, not the category they have been placed in.They are worthy of respect  not because of how long we have known them, or the contributions they have made to our lives, but rather just on the simple notion that they are valued individuals on their own.

 

 

 

 

Everyday Compersion

Even if you aren’t hailing from the polyamorous crowd, the word compersion is becoming more well known. Just in case you didn’t get the memo on this nifty concept, its most common usage is in the non-monogamous community when referring to the giddy feelin when your partner is getting the warm fuzzies from someone else. Be it that they went on a date, or knee deep in NRE (another fun term – New Relationship Energy), or just are in a happy state and the reason for it is beyond yourself. Some refer to it as the flip side of jealousy.

Rather than see it as the opposite of something, I’d like to call it out for what it really is.

Empathy.

When we see it as coupled with empathy,  compersion takes a more deeper, multi-dimensional place in how we connect to everyone.  The more we empathize with others and invite that understanding inside, compersion is how we respond. Empathy is bringing in, compersion is giving back.

I recall hearing the story of someone who had so many emotions going through her head when her husband was going on a very successful date. She felt all the spectrum of emotions, as well as empathy. She brought in his happiness into her, and she felt it. She also was processing feelings of anxiety and nervousness. The compersion part of it – was the support she gave to him. The space, the ear to listen, the love. That’s what compersion is all about – not the absence of jealousy, but the safe space for empathy to blossom with our actions.

As a human family, we all can benefit from compersion and empathy by practicing it everyday.  Take a moment to try it. Sense the state of being of others (empathy) and respond kindly (compersion).

Feel the happiness of others, and embrace it with support.

Understand the sadness of others, and offer to listen.

Appreciate the successes of others, and commend them.

Sense the challenges of others, and encourage them.

Give it a try.

 

 

Conscious Uncoupling – How We Said Goodbye

It’s date night – it is a mad scramble now to find a sitter last minute. Thankfully , a good friend offers to have the boys over while we go out to dinner.

I dress up a bright, summer dress as the nights are still hanging onto Summer’s power. Chef does the same and when he walks by, I can smell the cologne he put on. Makes me smile.

We say our goodbyes to the little men and hurried off. The car ride was filled with talk about food – we were in dire need of beers and grub.

We were off to the restaurant that Chef works at and were greeted with smiles from the usuals. It was a packed night on the patio so we opted for a seat inside. We each went with a burger – I went all out and thought bacon and cheddar would be a tasty one. I’m sure my gut would hate me later.

When the beers came, we made our cheers to the selfie, for this wasn’t just any date night – it was our uncoupling date night.

We have been here before but there is something about this time that has a real sense of finality to it, and rather than ending our story with a semi-colon, we were choosing to end it with a period. However, whatever the reason one story ends, it is a far better testament to people on how they write the next sentence.

This is ours.

We shared stories, laughs, smiles about the past 8 years. As the dinner winded down, the talk shifted to the future. Almost , in a sense, an exit interview. What did we learn. What do we want to commit to going forward. Most importantly – how we were going to continue to be a team of kickass parents to our boys.

What was missing tonight was the hurt. Over the past few months, we did that dance. Cried the tears, said things out of anger, and made our mistakes. Tonight was about acceptance. We were able to enjoy each other’s company as the people we are genuinely are rather than the friction of our circumstances. Tonight was a celebration of what did do right and what we can do right.

Even after the kids went to bed, we stayed up for a while longer talking about all things in life. It made me think of the “Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye” song , which although is more about having one last romp before saying goodbye, was applicable to tonight more as a night of just being us. As one of the lines goes “Who we were, just didn’t work/but let’s make something good from all this hurt”. We weren’t going through the motions of the song and having sex, but rather the spirit of it. One last “date” night were we can just talk together.

That’s what we did. Put the hurt aside, and the sadness and just let ourselves be ourselves. We watched the video together , and as the song went on, some tears rolled down my face. For even the one who chooses to let go, grieves too.

In that moment, he held me tight and that reminded me why he will always be my best friend. I will always love him. It was out of that love that I needed to let go because I wanted us to still have this. Respect , caring and tenderness. Conscious uncoupling. Through the pain of saying goodbye, I smiled at our possibilities and at seeing our authentic selves shine.

While the romantic partnership had reached its sunset, we were dawning on a new path. We were making something that would work. Still living together as a family as to not uproot the boys and having a safe space for all of us to be. It may not always have all 4 of us here, but it will always be homebase.

We may have transitioned our relationship, but we are still 2 people committed to always being there for our sweet littles ones, and who still love and care for each in their own way.

As the night wore on, we shifted to more fun. He showed me how Tinder works and we got a laugh out of the whole dating dance. While I have little interest in doing that dance right now, it was fun to hear his stories about his first conversations and meetings. Compersion. I like seeing him happy and being himself.

In the end, we sat there and just rested in the moment. It was simple, quiet. This was our way to say goodbye to what we were and greeted what we will be. No doubt we will stumble, but heads, and hurt again as we figure our way around but in this moment of acceptance, we let go. We let go in the only way we know – with love.

I hugged my best friend, thanked him for tonight and we walked to our separate rooms. It was an unintended analogy of what our life had now become. Together as friends, separate as lovers.  I drifted off to sleep, with a smile. For I knew, for Chef and I – we would be OK.