Everyday Compersion

Even if you aren’t hailing from the polyamorous crowd, the word compersion is becoming more well known. Just in case you didn’t get the memo on this nifty concept, its most common usage is in the non-monogamous community when referring to the giddy feelin when your partner is getting the warm fuzzies from someone else. Be it that they went on a date, or knee deep in NRE (another fun term – New Relationship Energy), or just are in a happy state and the reason for it is beyond yourself. Some refer to it as the flip side of jealousy.

Rather than see it as the opposite of something, I’d like to call it out for what it really is.

Empathy.

When we see it as coupled with empathy,  compersion takes a more deeper, multi-dimensional place in how we connect to everyone.  The more we empathize with others and invite that understanding inside, compersion is how we respond. Empathy is bringing in, compersion is giving back.

I recall hearing the story of someone who had so many emotions going through her head when her husband was going on a very successful date. She felt all the spectrum of emotions, as well as empathy. She brought in his happiness into her, and she felt it. She also was processing feelings of anxiety and nervousness. The compersion part of it – was the support she gave to him. The space, the ear to listen, the love. That’s what compersion is all about – not the absence of jealousy, but the safe space for empathy to blossom with our actions.

As a human family, we all can benefit from compersion and empathy by practicing it everyday.  Take a moment to try it. Sense the state of being of others (empathy) and respond kindly (compersion).

Feel the happiness of others, and embrace it with support.

Understand the sadness of others, and offer to listen.

Appreciate the successes of others, and commend them.

Sense the challenges of others, and encourage them.

Give it a try.

 

 

Your Poly? Or Your Poly Right Now?

If there is one common saying in the poly community, I would think “My poly isn’t your poly” or some other iteration, takes the cake. While there is merit to say that we all connect to other people in different ways, saying “That’s my poly” in response to unhealthy behavior is dangerous in many ways.

Let’s face it – your poly is in all actuality – is your poly right now. Just because you are sure that this is the “type” of poly that you are happy in , does not mean that would never change. Expect it to change. Expect things to evolve because in many cases, we did not start out relating to others in the way we are now. Slim pickings on those who were poly since day one.

The key parts of ethical non-monogamy is everyone connecting with each other based on consent and full disclosure of all who are involved. Basic , right? But after that it’s tricky.

For example, a couple may wish to date as a couple to find another partner that they both date. They start dating someone and that person agrees to date them both. What happens when that person decides that they don’t develop a romantic connection with one of them? “Sorry, that’s our poly and you were warned up front. We are a packaged deal.” Instead of engaging in dialogue, listening with respect, and consider possibilities of different arrangements that all parties can feel that their needs are met, it is chalked up to the easier “That’s our poly.”

Same goes rule imposing. It is much easier to slap a rule on something rather than take the time to talk, push some boundaries, and perhaps dig deeper on way there is a desire for that rule in the first place.

If our sexual orientation can be fluid, why can’t our relationship orientation?

What I Learned During Transitioning Relationships

In the matter of just a month, I went into transition mode with 2 relationships at roughly the same time. And right on target , Kimchi puts out some cartoon that seems to showcase how I approach relationships coming to an evolution.

1. Relationships aren’t failures if they don’t last – With all the pressure of finding the “One” that will satisfy all needs, and that will love and last forever, no wonder we feel frustrated and angry when the ones we had such hopes on don’t go the distance. In reality, most of the relationships that happen in our lives –be it romantic or otherwise – won’t last forever. That’s because relationships have a natural life span that we cannot anticipate or determine from the beginning. Some last long, some very short – but letting go of the notion that they are failures unless they last is a big first step. The next step….
2. Keep what works , let go of what doesn’t – With that in mind, relationships essentially don’t have to end if there is something there that still works. Why throw away everything because a portion of something isn’t working? Instead, transition the relationship into something that fits into what is positive, and let go with the love the things that aren’t meeting the needs of everyone involved.
3. Own Your Shit – That will always help relationships have the potential of enduring in whatever capacity. Whatever choices you make – action or reaction – own that shit. Resentment will only be toxic and could lead to “whatever works” stuff to be drowned out.
4. Take your time to talk – Oh I’m so bad for this. I get caught up in the moment and spout some indecipherable stuff sometimes that I even get lost. That’s why I adore writing. Gives me the time to process as I communicate.
5. Take Time for YOU: When you lose touch with yourself, how good will you be to others? Do you know who you are or is it defined with who you are with another person? There is not “better half” – we are already wonderful whole. Whether you are alone or in a relationship (or more than one), don’t forget the most wonderful relationship of all. YOU.
6. Control what you can – this one is key. We cannot control the actions, choices, decisions of others. Getting caught up in that which is not by our hand will only make you mad. Understand what you need, understand how to meet those needs, and make the choices that support that.

This is what I learned on my journey so far…keep what works, discard the rest 😉

How Coming Out As Polyamorous Has Changed My Life – The Challenge(s)

Many of the challenges faced when coming out as polyamorous are significant enough for many to keep their relationship orientation under wraps. In some cases, fears of losing a job, the kids, and the support of family members are very real.  In my last blog post, I touched a bit on some of the surprising outcomes that I had not quite anticipated during the process. Stating that it was “Good Stuff” might have been a stretch – it was more that it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought and actually, there were some really awesome outcomes.

This time – it’s about the challenges I have faced during this journey. I tried to come up with a list but , honestly, the only challenge I could think of just in the aspect of coming out polyamorous, was strained family/friend relationships.

I have watched some of my relationships with some family and friends become distant and some have disengaged entirely. While this has generated some sadness, it’s important to empathize that everyone has their own boundaries and our accountability is to our own actions , not the reactions of others.

It’s an unusual position to be in – happy to be living an authentic life but at the same time, almost grieving a time in life when some people in your life seemed the most happiest when they were around you.

So instead of an article of challenges, I raise my glass to just this one. To all those who have chosen to walk on a path a little farther way from mine – you still shine bright in my heart.

Funny Poly Moment #2244 – “Shirt Envy”

How Coming Out as Polyamorous Changed My Life – Part 1 (The Good Stuff)

Polyamory is not a relational Utopia of blissfully happy people skipping around with unicorns (shush) , rainbows, and butterflies in some trippy Willy Wonka looking candy land.

(The only resemblance is the colourful Google shared calendar entries. )

Instead, it’s navigating boundaries and processing , processing , processing. And more processing. And talking. And more talking. And scheduling time for talks. Then process some more.

Ain’t it grand??!

Hell ya. Oh yes – I jest at all the funny nuances of being in a multi-relational structure, but honestly, it is a journey that has been an adventure.

It has been 2 years since I have been out to all my family and friends as polyamorous and here’s what I have learned during the process (Damn, there’s that word again! Can’t escape it! ).

Let’s start with the good stuff….

The Realization of Indifference

It’s amazing sometimes how we believe much more people give a shit about how we conduct our daily life.  Coming out as poly was on the most part anti-climatic and most people were relatively indifferent. The upside, is that there are people who will come forward and commend you. The downside, is that there are people who shun you.

What’s the good stuff of realizing this? Humbling.

Nothing to Fear about Awkwardness

I live in a country where I won’t lose my life for being polyamorous. I won’t lose my kids for being polyamorous. So a part from that – what is the true fear?

Being disowned? Conditional love for loving unconditionally. Hmmm…well, that would only solidify where you stand with someone else. Knowing my closest friends and family would never disown me for it, it only left awkwardness and the air of uncomfortable feelings.

Yes, there are plenty of those in conversations when you first come out to loved ones but don’t let it stand in the way of being YOU.  The imagination of what people might do/think/say was far greater than what really panned out so I found myself no longer fearing awkward moments.

You Never Know Who You Will Inspire

This, was something, rather unexpected. My objective was just to stop living a lie and to be open about who I was. What I didn’t see coming, were the messages of people that I have known for many years coming forward to tell me their stories.  The power of authenticity is so incredibly underestimated until you find come face to face with the result of it – the power to inspire others, and help others to feel a little less alone.  THIS has made it worth it 10x over.

Be a Part of Change

Taboos, ignorance, and misunderstanding will only change by those who willing to risk it to make it happen.

You Only Get One Shot

Unless you are Buddhist then there are a few more tries at it, but essentially, one life is all you got. No mulligans.

You are your own best friend, lover and soulmate

We don’t need to be a bunch of halves walking around one dimensionally waiting for some Jerry Maguire complete-me moment. You are wonderfully whole. Be your own best friend. Be your own lover, Be your own soulmate. Only once you are whole, can you then love whole and love in a way that inspires you.

Once I had nothing to hide, there was nothing about myself to be ashamed of. I felt whole.

Coming Up!

What goes up, must come down ….Part 2 (The Tough Stuff)

Special Me

A few months ago, my son came home with a project called “Special Me”. He was to draw pictures of things that matter to him , his hobbies, his family and so on. I recall the saying that if everyone is special – then no one is. I don’t buy into that at all. No matter how many similar drawings came out of that classroom, not one would be the same.   They were all special, different, unique.

Biologically – we truly are different. Each of us is a unique array of cells that isn’t exactly placed together in the exact same way anywhere else. We may be similar, but we are not the same.

Therefore, it seems counterintuitive to our makeup to try to force ourselves in square holes when we are born to be round. Why is there so much importance to be like everyone else when we were born to shine – and by shining, it doesn’t mean we are special because we shine brighter than everyone else, but rather we had our unique light to the world. Along with everyone else.

What gets in the way of being our authentic selves? Fear , mostly.

Fear that our authentic self will not be accepted, loved, and supported. Fear of those who may harm us for being something they are not. Fear that it will unravel relationships and we will be abandoned.

Closets aren’t reserved for our sexuality, relationship styles or gender identification. They are the places we go to keep our authentic selves tucked away. Protected from the judging glares outside.

Anyone may have a story. Someone who wanted to be a writer but was afraid to disappoint the family. Someone who held close to their heart a God who was not of their parent’s belief. Someone who believed that love can be all around but are chastised for not doing so in a specific way. Someone who connects with another person, not a specific gender and is afraid of being disowned.

Let’s call those closets for what they are – prison cells. In our minds, we are punishing ourselves for not coinciding with the “similar” rather than celebrating the “special”.

Outside of those prison cells, we cannot see the real risk, the real threat to our authentic selves and we imagine the dragon that awaits us. We have heard the roar and believe that the animal is ready to eat us alive should we dare step out.

In the darkness, it is our minds that build the menace and put it on a pedestal. Then it is our painting of what stands outside that is what is feared , rather than the animal that really does await.

So what happens…when we let ourselves free? When we open the door?

We see what truly stands before us and living our authentic life. It very well can be dragon we imagined. But we are no more protected with that door open then with it closed. It could have still squashed us where we hid.

Now, the animal that stands in our way is known. Our eyes are open, and we see it for what it truly is. And when you see your authentic self on the other side, waiting to embrace, then you want to fight to get there.

When that door opens, we have also taken the chance that the animal just does not exist. That it was only our fear that blocked the path. Even if the path had some rocks along it, it may have it’s stinging moments but the only one stopping you is you.

So shine bright. Not everyone will love your colours, but those who shine with you, will glow with you.