The Kids are Alright

Since late 2013, I have been 100% open about the fact that I do not subscribe the heteronormative/monogamist narrative that is prevalent in mainstream North American society. I love living an authentic life. It’s no better, no worse than any other way to connect to any other human being – it’s just the way that I live.

Being out there about a less known way of connecting lends itself to both compliment and criticism. One area above others is the topic of children. I wrote a guest blog post for a good friend of mine about the usual criticisms that are heard most often when one is in a poly family. Now that I’m kick starting my own blog, I wanted to expand on that.

Norms vs Needs

Our gender, sexual orientation, relationship orientation does not guarantee a stellar parent.

What does?

Giving the opportunity for our children to have their needs met. Let’s face it – our journey in life is largely dictated whether we are meeting our basic human needs. When we arm our children with the tools necessary to meet those needs and provide a support and loving environment, then I’d say Parenting Expert Level Achieved!

How other people walk in their path of life, or whatever is seen as the “norm” is not essential to our kids’ lives.   In their lifetime, maybe the new “norm” will be acceptance of differences. One can hope…

Their Confusion or Adult Confusion?

As parents, we are our children’s advocate and it’s needed. As they are developing the skills to navigate life with communication, we help be their voice. Sometimes, though, we speak for them instead of with them.

As an openly poly parent, there are have been some that feel that my guys will be confused by the relationships around them. The question I need to ask is – who is really confused?

My guys are surrounded by different dynamics all the time. At school, they are surrounded by different cultures, religions, ages, races, etc.

They have many sets of grandparents due to divorce/re-marrying.

They are exposed to different types of adults whom their parents interact with. There are no labels. Friends, lovers, and those in between, show nothing but awesome care and love for them.

Confusion lies in the unknown, uncommunicated, unresolved – exposure to difference is not the culprit. If there are questions, give answers and foster discussion. Let your children really talk to you. Listen. You’d be surprised at what they understand and it opens up the door for them to show you what they are really thinking.

It is also by their actions that you really know what they understand.

When A was in Kindergarten, he opened up dialogue with me about a girl he liked at school. His best friend liked her too so he felt torn. We talked about our family dynamic and how you don’t have to “choose” people. The next day, he came home so proud – he talked to the girl and asked her if she would consider liking both him and his friend which she thought was a great idea!

“I’m so happy mom because now we are all great friends.”

This mom proceeded directly to the happy tears.

People Coming In and Out of Lives

If you look back at your life, how many of you are still friends with EVERY single person you were friends with since the dawn of you friendship making days?

People come in and out of our lives, and sometimes back again. That’s a reality of life.

I can’t speak for my other partners, but for myself, my viewpoint of relationships with other people is simple – respect and enjoy everything that the person brings to my life in whatever form it was meant to be as well as for whatever length of time it is to be. Realize that relationships are not failures if they transition to something other than what they started out as.

I think the kids have taken on that same approach. They engage with others that are in our lives as individuals, rather than what dynamic they are in with their parents at the time. They value others as only unique people.

I was dating someone last year that first started out as friends, then moved to something more romantic. He was really awesome with the kids and they had so much fun with him. Our relationship transitioned to friendship again mid last year. I had not seen him for almost a year until recently. We saw each other at an event and there was lots of hugs and caught up on life. He said when the boys were a bit older , he would love to take them out paintballing.   Brings a smile. There was no resentment or anger that we went our separate ways but rather an appreciation for a transitioned friendship. I feel blessed about the positive impact connections have made to not only my life, but to the life of my little guys.

We cannot avoid how relationships – be it romantic or otherwise – evolve. It is how we approach that evolution that lays the groundwork for healthy relationships for our children.

Coming Up Next: Opening up to our Children

In the next episode, this poly mom gives advice about trusting our kids with being our authentic selves.

Till next time – live freely, love openly, and laugh always.

M